How to buy a great gift for anyone

Three science-backed tips to make someone’s day

I’m a sucker for listicles like ‘The Best Christmas Gifts for Her in 2021.’

But as I was scrolling through yet another compilation of bath soaps, dog-patterned dressing gowns, and expensive hand creams, I started to wonder.

Surely there’s a better way to do this.

There must be a science-backed, principled approach to giving amazing gifts to people we love.

And it turns out there is. There is a path to consistently great gift-giving.

Not only that, going down this rabbit hole has proven that gift-giving is much more important than I thought.

It’s an opportunity to deepen your relationships, strengthen your connection to someone you care about, and get closer, ever closer to being in sync.

Too many of us go through life feeling unseen or unheard. So often, we feel like we’re not on the same page as our spouse, our friends, or our work colleagues.

A shitty gift only makes that worse. There’s nothing worse than someone you care about giving you something you don’t want, or that you need but don’t like.

Like an extra-long cable

I’ve learned that what someone needs doesn’t always make a great gift. I’m sure many overly-logical guys have found the same.

When I first started thinking about what makes a great gift, I thought it was about solving problems for people.

To put this to the test, I thought about all the things that annoyed my wife. One stuck out in particular — she’s always trying to use her phone while it’s charging but, to do so, she has to angle her body in weird oblong shapes.

Feeling clever, I went on Amazon and bought a three-pack of extra-long USB-C charging cables.

Safe to say, she wasn’t exactly delighted when she opened the 3m long cable. Like, she wasn’t angry. But I don’t think it ‘sparked joy.’

The pain of her forced smile inspired resolve within me. From then on, I decided I’d be a better gift-giver. Not just to get a great reaction, but to find ways to build better connections to the people I love.

Here are the three best tips I’ve learned along the way.

(1) Buy what they want

The boring truth is, the most effective way to give a great gift is to ask your person what they want.

This is backed by science — five studies show that gift recipients are more appreciative of gifts they explicitly request than those they don’t.

As givers, we want to be creative, surprising and show our people we’re thoughtful. But honestly, that’s a selfish motivation.

If you really want to please someone, you should give them what they want. And the best way to do that is to ask.

Sometimes we’re afraid to ask because it’s a bit taboo, or because we think it won’t be as exciting.

But if you can overcome the initial ickiness and just ask, you’re going to give a winning gift.

(2) Think of something you both love

One of the best gifts I’ve received was two tickets to see my favorite band, Jungle.

Research shows that experiential gifts can bring you and the recipient closer, and I found this out first hand.

I love music, and I share that love with a number of my closest friends. The experience of sharing that passion together, and spending quality time, is one of the best things you can get.

This can apply to any shared interest. For example:

• Do you both love wine or cooking? What about a wine tasting experience or a cooking class?
• Perhaps you both enjoy coffee. A new, high-quality keep cup or a rare coffee roast blend could be a great gift.

Thinking of shared interests also makes it easier to buy for other people, because we can just think of what we like ourselves and extrapolate.

Finally, buying based on shared interests can help you achieve the goal of making that person feel seen, heard, and understood. It’s a great opportunity to acknowledge your person and your relationship — and that’s worth as much as any gift.

(3) Give it meaning

A few years ago, I started putting notes on my Christmas presents. It turned out to be incredibly effective.

I started by changing the ‘To’ on a label. Instead of listing someone’s name, I’d write a hint for the gift inside. For example, ‘To my favorite night owl’ for a new set of pajamas, or ‘To my favorite coffee buddy’ for a new keep cup.

Since then, I’ve expanded this practice to include a few sentences about why I bought the gift, or words that explain the person’s character trait that inspired the gift.

This habit has transformed gift-giving for me in two ways.

First, I enjoy the process of wrapping gifts way more. It makes wrapping a present a practice of gratitude, reminding you of the things you love about your person.

Second, people love it. As above, it makes them feel seen, heard and understood, and it honors the bond you have with each other.

A little explanation note also helps if your gift isn’t exactly what they wanted, because it shows you’ve put in the effort. Research shows that if your recipient feels like you spent time making your selection, they’ll appreciate the effort that went into choosing your gift — even if it’s something they didn’t want.

Give better

These three principles have helped me give better presents. And I think giving better presents isn’t just a capitalist concession — it’s an excuse to bring more joy and connection to your life and your loved ones. That’s what it’s really all about, right?