Listening is a superpower

A story about how you become more interesting by making others feel heard

Listening can make you the most interesting person in any room.

And that’s a huge relief.

Because if you’re anything like me, you’ve probably felt the stomach-turning fear of having nothing interesting to say.

Maybe you’ve watched in jealousy as funny people make their friends laugh. Or winced as you heard a sentence of complete dribble tumble out of your mouth.

But as it turns out, what you say has very little to do with how much people like you, how intelligent they think you are, or your ability to influence others.

In fact, the greatest people skill you can develop is not eloquent speech, but the ability to hear.

A vow of silence

Professional People Watcher Vanessa Van Edwards found this out first hand.*

Vanessa showed up to a networking event under a vow of silence.

As a self-confessed serial interrupter, the vow of silence was an attempt to build her listening skills.

Let’s just say it worked better than she thought.

Stepping into the conference hall, Edwards was hit with a wall of chatter and the noise of people pitching and swashbuckling. As she nervously approached a tall, well-dressed man, Vanessa suspected things could either go very well — or very badly.

“Hi! I’m Michael” said her unknowing experiment participant.

Vanessa held up the first flashcard in her small deck. It read “I’m under a vow of silence. I’m trying to become a better listener.”

“Wow!” came the reply. Then a brief pause. And then…

20+ minutes of non-stop, well-lubricated conversation. Laughs, jokes, over-sharing — the whole thing.

Using only a few more flashcards, (which included conversation starters like ‘are you working on anything exciting at the moment?’), Vanessa held a full, fruitful conversation.

As she tells the story, the conversation ended with a sincere “thank you” from her lab rat. Michael said he ‘really enjoyed our chat’ and ‘would love to catch up again!’ grabbing a business card before he departed and left his sweet sweet data behind.

What we really want

Here’s the thing.

Most people don’t want to hear something interesting, funny, or thought-provoking. They don’t care about your words nearly as much as you think.

Most people don’t want to listen. They want to be heard.

Truly listening to what somebody says — without butting in, sharing your experience, peddling advice, or passing judgment — is a rare, powerful gift. Listening unlocks connection, rapport, influence, and value in human relationships.

So if, like me, you’ve ever felt empty when it’s your turn to speak, wished you had something clever to share, or bitterly watched someone else light up the room with a witty anecdote, you may find comfort in this butchered version of a totally overused quote:

People will forget what you said, but they will never forget how your listening made them feel.

• The story about Vanessa Van Edwards Vow of Silence has been extrapolated from her excellent book Captivate, as well as her retellings of her experience on various podcasts.

This post is number two in a 30-day writing project I have (optimistically) embarked upon. You can also find more stuff from me on Linkedin.